tip of an iceberg

So here I am in Florida, sitting down in my bed, we just decided to have a new start. My leg that keeps latent in the day comes to play. It is burning, pulsing. It hurts, is a composed pain, it is built from every detail the day, it comes every day, each day differs, yet inevitably it comes. 

I’ve went to therapy today since I moved down to Miami Beach, it takes some time to ‘move’ everything. I’ve moved before, but never stoped to analyze that most of the moving is not the physical items. First are your clothing, essential and preferred objects. After being a little more settled you’ll take all the other material objects, hopefully won’t be too many and you’d been able to get rid of most of the clutter. It’s exhausting. All your ‘stuff’ is finally in one place. That sense of accomplishment almost get to you and you realize that most of the move is yet to come. You need to bring all your cultural baggage and try to settle in the new place, you need to transfer all the addresses, doctors, bills, gym, credit cards, etc etc etc. Creating new connections and acquaintances. Even if the move is in familiar ground, the work is endless. Don’t forget that after that your pain, fears and demons will follow you. 

So I managed to get to the new doctor, was an interesting session. Normally first sessions are awkward, the amount of information you need to portrayal to map your life is gigantic, filling that in one hour is basically unmanageable. Nonetheless, something she said sparkled a fire on me. - Beginnings are good to write new plans, to put down how you’re going to deal with this new situations. You don’t get to do that again. 

So here I am writing about my new beginning, how I’m doing it and what followed me. 

I’ll list some of the easy ones and top of minds. Never forget: no list fits all. 

Things that I brought here:

Me

My hubby

Mumtaz

My favorite clothes

Gratitude for my family and beloved ones

Entrepreneurship

Appreciation for folk music

Things that followed me here:

Artistry

Pain

Anxiety

Perfectionism

Entrepreneurship

Insecurity

My fear of frogs

My loathe for elevators

Procrastination

Before I left NYC I had the pleasure to see some beloveds. One talk that I had with an old friend caught my attention, he said I need to keep a journal of my feelings. To keep track of things, how my daily life is being affected. As much as I agree that more tracking of my life should be done, I also have the feeling that I have to move forward most of the time. So this is an attempt to keep track of things without having to relive and awake ghosts everyday. 

Honestly, it would be easier to just be with my fat ass stuck into the couch having chips, ice cream and several pain killers blaming all my problems in one horrible moment of my life and other people’s irresponsibilities. However, that’s not what I’m trying to achieve. We all have choices daily, willpower has its price, you cannot control all of them, but some are simply yours: fries or salad? Go to the gym or another episode of the show? Read a book or paint? Study or relax? Work or procrastinate

The saying is old but is easy to feel that the neighbor’s grass is greener. It’s very cushy to just see one’s social posts, see them in just one or two glamorous occasions and think that everything is going good for them, that they are not in pain or that they didn’t make their efforts to be there.

Please find bellow just a hint of my day, which was not my favorite, but I feel some sense of accomplishment. 

Waking up 

I woke up with my bae leaving to the airport, completely plastered on sleep. Sad to see him going off for at least two weeks, moreover, happy that he’s going to a lovely family reunion the following week. It’s the first time we’re going to be this long apart, is kind of sad, specially because we’re supposed to be doing this trip together. 

One hour later I realize I cannot sleep anymore, I have to wake up. For a long time it has been really hard to get out of bed, is a real struggle, I’m sore on my leg, back and neck. Try to stretch out, several times to make the pain more bearable. I go get some coffee, feed Mumtaz with her constant ‘roar’ if hungry. After the second coffee let’s make some calls. Booking Mumtaz retreat because I’m also gone next week and dealing with some emailing and planning the day. 

Paints

Other lovely thing I’ve done this morning was to put out my easel out, I’ve done the background of a painting and I’m looking forward to see what is up to come on this week. 

Gym

I’ve decided to get a trainer two months ago, someone that knows how to deal with the body after all the physical therapy and rehabilitation. I like to look good and be healthy, I read and research constantly on well being and try to keep in shape. The trainer is definitely an investment, first of all because is bloody expensive, but ensures you that you’re doing the best exercises for you on the best ‘form'. Notably most of the exercises I have difficulty to do, specially if dealing with balance or anything that has hip and leg engagement. The one exercise that struck me the most today was a simple one, first time I’ve ever done at the gym though. Hold a 20 pound kettlebell with one arm, raise the other arm and walk. Holding with the left arm was hard but when I held with the right arm it was dreadful, my posture got completely wasted, when I was walking I could feel all the overcompensation happening all over my body. He gave me some advice, with a lot of effort the walk looked a little better but still crooked and limping. Couple more tiring exercises after I’d grab some lunch and head home.

It is always a challenge exercising, trying to ensure to fortify and protect of whatever is left in my body, always easier to prevent than try to fix things. As the phrase I like, ‘you’re never gonna be younger than what you’re right now’.

Showering

Getting home with the cumulative pain plus the workout, some protein shake and sushi to refill the body. Such a hot day, getting you sweaty just walking three blocks. Getting naked is not the same, I still feel lacerated, looking at the scar is not pleasant, it never is. 

Calls

Getting some calls done, talking with people and getting projects to work. Finding a comfortable sitting position is always laborious. After couple hours, time to head to my first doctor appointment in the beach. That excludes the time I had to go to the ER last week for an unexplained temporary partial loss of vision. Hey, at least it was not a stroke as the docs can tell. Also confirming my bookings for my appointments tomorrow with two other doctors, transferring and faxing all my data from the city to down south. 

Therapist

Uber uptown to the therapist, after filling the 6 pages lovely questionnaire on ‘how much does your live sucks’ I get to speak with her. I have to reintroduce myself as I’ve done it quite sometimes in the past year to at least 100 medical professionals, it is draining and is getting somehow mechanical, specially the list of medications.

Furthermore, me tying to deal with my efforts on trying to don’t let the past year take all over me and my efforts to dig out of this pit. 

Walk on the beach

Leaving the therapist quarter past six I decide to take thee 20min walk back home since the sun is down and the temperature more bearable. It’s a nice scenery, the excitement of a vibrant beach town. People from all over the world enjoying themselves, smiles, good times, old friends reencountering. Me walking looking at the beauty, my knees with a pointy pain that spikes up my leg, also crackling sounds to be coming from them. I briefly splash the ocean, I had gone with a shorts that I knew that if I wanted to do a quick dip I’d be able to. The pleasure mostly seize, once to rejoin me in my humble walk home. 

Watching tv

Home finally again, cooking a yummy kale salad with sprouts and some veggie patties, cheese and bread. Limping around the house to get things done.

Writing

And here I come back to the first paragraph, writing with a pulsating exhausted head and mind. Can’t wait to finish this so I can at least try to sleep.  

This is just one tip of the iceberg. One thing that I’ve learned is that moments in live account interest: a bad decision, an accident, a poisonous relationship. The bigger they are, the more they gauge for and the bigger they get as time goes by in shaping who you are. There is no coming back; Even if you figure out how to deal with them, it doesn’t make the struggle less real. 

A real fast written diary, hope there are not many grammatical errors. There is so much the autocorrect can help. Good week everyone, looking forward to writing more often!