an arrow hit the gut of my EgO

My ego hurts. Today it was lacerated and its hemorrhage is overcasting my mind. 

I believe I haven’t constructed my awareness around my ego, aka ‘Coraline’. At the same time, Coraline is a compulsory part of my life, she’s there with me with or without my consent. I don’t let her puppetry me and don’t wish to boss her around. I pursue to cultivate a symbiotic relationship with her and we’re on a path to long-lasting solidarity. I don’t need her to be a consciousness, at the same time, she’s there unsoughtly counterweighting my existence.

Is she a curse or a blessing? She’s so sturdy and vile, and at the same time, vulnerable and frail. Her condition immensely affects my whole judgment and that wary me. She can be a tool, shield, and/or target to whatever circumstances life pounces. 

Today Caroline was tarnished by fratricide. On this occasion, the weapon of choice was honesty insecurity and selfishness. Caroline took the hit this time; Immediately, I ran to her rescue, I know I’m liable to her, so I promptly start patching her. Soon after, I realize I just had rush so blindly and impulsively on her trauma that I didn’t realize that, simultaneously, I was neglecting other synergetic, and sometimes de rigueur, relationships. In parallel, while in this process of nursing, I felt hopeful once I note that I’m also creating other somewhat promising paths and bridges, nonetheless, they fell like naive wildcards. 

I’ve learned that in life we ought to burn bridges, we have to pick battles. In this situation, was so much wrack that I felt I had no alternative, choices had to be taken, compromises happened. However, when the time decants your thoughts and the anger is no longer the blood completely blurring your mind; Overthinking and verbosity come to feast on the self-doubt of the actions previously taken and now to be taken. So then I just tend to stun, ruminating which are bridges to be set on fire to light the path of the new ways.

So I keep trailing, unnecessarily agonizing in the equilibrium of energy I ponder within life’s demands. I know I don’t have the energy to completely mend her without my other pillars falling apart. So I wonder, how much Caroline can be wounded and I still able to function?